Freedom
Never, she thought never to be free of the torment, the stupid Crimson Coin, the hellishness of it all. The regrets, remorse, feeling it was all my fault....holding that place for the return of a Master because she felt it was the honorable thing to do. Keeping the damn name because then he would be able to find her and reclaim his place because she made a promise.............yes a fucking promise to a scam, someone who is not a Master. Someone not even fit to kiss the soles of my feet. If only I could have been freed of that torment earlier. If I could have only been trusted with that information so i could release the pain, and not carry that oh so disgraceful shame with me all this fucking time......always it hung on me like a dead animal. I drug that festering stinking rotting flesh with me everywhere i went, waiting to let it go. Nearly begging to let it go. But honor of a promise held it to me all this time. You don't remember or maybe you do, asking me...How long will you wait az? And I said, until he tells me to no longer wait. It is why i kept the name, kept the tavern....I had to, I promised I would. Don't you see that? But if I had only known, I would not have waited for a slut pretending to be a Master. I would have closed the doors and walked away after I found homes for the girls that had been mislead with me. It would have killed me knowing I served a whore pretending to be a Master... as it is killing me. But I can get past it. Hell, I want to get past the shame of it and hope everyone forgets there ever was this nightmare. That bitch may still be around...and my being about in this nick, only perpetuates her laughing....cuz that is what it all must have been for her...one big ole flipping laugh...
I started journaling to get past azah, past TCC, past zander so i could find my way to your feet...if you read my first entry, you will see how it began...the other ones have mention mostly of things shared with you and my reactions of it. My time so tight with school this semester, kept me from my desire to be more obedient in that quest of journaling each day.....sighs...
It's FINISHED.....azah IS DEAD AND I AM FREE OF THIS WHOLE MESS....................... THERE IS NO MORE CC AND NO MORE azah....
Finally, i can let go of what kept me so bound from growing and trusting...i am ashamed of it all, but i can get past that...i can always get past humiliation and shame. You see, it isn't costing me a promise anymore.
smiles softly basking in the freedom of having kept her word and being able to let go of the putrid, festering memorial she built for a nonexistant person...who had some messed up reality of owning slaves and a tavern on an island....someone who evidently missed what it meant to be honorable.
I started journaling to get past azah, past TCC, past zander so i could find my way to your feet...if you read my first entry, you will see how it began...the other ones have mention mostly of things shared with you and my reactions of it. My time so tight with school this semester, kept me from my desire to be more obedient in that quest of journaling each day.....sighs...
It's FINISHED.....azah IS DEAD AND I AM FREE OF THIS WHOLE MESS....................... THERE IS NO MORE CC AND NO MORE azah....
Finally, i can let go of what kept me so bound from growing and trusting...i am ashamed of it all, but i can get past that...i can always get past humiliation and shame. You see, it isn't costing me a promise anymore.
smiles softly basking in the freedom of having kept her word and being able to let go of the putrid, festering memorial she built for a nonexistant person...who had some messed up reality of owning slaves and a tavern on an island....someone who evidently missed what it meant to be honorable.
